Boy do I miss Robert.
The emotional toll of this year is impossible to measure. Never has so much emotion coursed through me. I never hoped to feel these emotions. And last week was the "Robert week" of this pregnancy. We made it through. Onto week 25.
Pregnancy is a difficult time; more so for the woman than the man. Already this has been a long pregnancy for both of us.
I feel like I should be holding Robert on one hand and I am excited to hold our unborn child on the other. I feel like it has been forever since Robert was born and forever until the next child will be born. I feel caught between the two and long to hold both. I know that will never happen during this life.
What do you do when you are haunted? Can you hold the yearning for one and the excitement for the other in the same breath? What about the nervous apprehension that is a constant companion? Can you cling to loss and hope at the same time? Does one of the emotions have to win? What if, deep down, you may not want either to win?
Looking at the pictures on this site reminds me that we will never have a "full" family picture again. Can that really be true? Can I hate that fact while I acknowledge my hate won't change anything?
All our next child will know of Robert is what we teach.
What will we teach about Robert?
How will we teach who Robert is?
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2 comments:
I wish I could tell you the answers. Your thoughts and words are so sincere and full of love. I only wish that you find a peace and happiness somewhere in between the complexity of it all. I like to think we knew what our trials would be, before we came to this earth. It helps me think that possibly I was okay with them all and knew that somehow I would get through. I love you guys and hope you feel my support. Love Jen
Thanks, Jen, for your words. What I hate about that post is the feeling of bleakness. What I like about that post is the feeling of bleakness. It is part of our life but does not define it. We have a lot of hope and faith and still struggle at times.
I guess that is just life.
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